Yeah the burger place.
Five Guys is a local burger generating establishment. They have hot dogs too. They have French fries that are made from real potatoes (as opposed to fake potatoes), from different farms…all over the US too. They boast about this. I don’t think anyone gives a shit about the damn potatoes.
I’ve had so much potatoes. Never noticed a difference in taste myself. Maybe I’m doing it wrong. Maybe I’m “Holding my mouth wrong”.
Fuck Five Guys and fuck that phrase.
Anyways.
I had this apartment, lovely place. My porch backed up to a large pond area with water fowl and things of that sort frequenting the person made amenity. Beside the pond area, a large grassy hill at least 900 feet in length by 25 feet wide. Perfect for the dog to run about, or to sit on and watch fireworks shot off nightly by a local amusement park. This apartment complex was located directly behind a quality grocery store, a 2.7 star restaurant and even a bar. The pool area had multiple grills and an outdoor T.V. complete with fire pit and a covered area for lounging with couches.
It had a lot of other things. It was nice. I paid for it too, it wasn’t cheap, because my previous apartment was a hell hole nightmare shit storm that never stopped. I hated that place. So I left them a shit review. You can read it… Or skip down to the red line, where I’ll continue the actual post.
I rant sometimes, and this review doesn’t have much to do with the post. I hate apartments. Seriously though, scroll down to the red line because this is a long review and mostly just a rant.
Things people should know about living here….
My apartment was awesome. High countertops (I’m tall), huge rooms, looked brand new at move in, and had no problems at all throughout my stay there. However the following should be considered.
- Student housing. The place is like an Art Institute dorm. Most of the students don’t have cars and ghetto school via random white vans that pick them up and drop them off anywhere between 6:30am and 7pm. The Vans speed through the area, are loud, honk their horns to alert students to get on. I’m not talking a brief honk, I’ve heard honking for over 2 minutes straight before. The bus stops are also a gathering for noisy students who yell and curse at each other and yell to others standing on their balconies. They leave trash all over the place, curbs, stairwells, INFRONT OF YOUR DOOR…. They stomp up and down the stairs all day and frequently play the doorbell game. But there are no doorbells, instead they bang on your door then run away. Also the ones that do have cars can’t park or drive. One asked me to move my car because she didn’t know how to parallel park. This was a weekly thing. Her reasoning was also that that spot was closer to her front door. Insane.
- This a pet friendly community but management complains about you having your pet on the property. There were flyers put out stating pets were not allowed on sidewalks…or near landscaped areas or grass. Yet there are pet waste cans and bags (always full of student trash and the bags are always missing) in landscaped areas. Where should we walk dogs, in the road? Also I was told my dog barked and sounded aggressive when the groundskeepers knocked on my door. Really? What he supposed to do, invite strangers in?
- The pool is full of artificial hair. I understand folks have different types of hair, and styles. But I’m talking on multiple times, clumps of weave. It’s disgusting. The pool is also full of unattended children that will verbally abuse you when you don’t share your food with them. These kids also never ever wear bathing suits, most of the time they just swim in their underwear. Nasty. These are the same kids that occupy the clubhouse bathrooms and leave all kinds of horrible messes that aren’t flushable.
- Your rent will jump up and down with every bill, due to ridiculous water fee’s that don’t make sense. When you move out they will try to send you 3 water bills saying you were always a month behind, but when you receive 3 separate bills, they can’t explain why just that you must pay them.Basically don’t live here. Unless you’re a loud obnoxious student, that needs quick access to the Food Lion for money orders or a quick fish sandwich from Burger King. It’s also a cool place to live if you like sitting in your freaking car listening to music to ensure that everyone knows how awesome your car is. Oh and the fire department is behind the complex, that’s fun to hear literally all night. There’s also a train at 1am that blows a whistle for 3 minutes. Also there’s a potato chip factory one street over that smells disgusting, especially in the summer when it’s hot. Also the free Wi-Fi is a joke, it only works in the office.I liked my apartment. Not the complex, or the people that lived there.
————————————————————————————————–
Anyways…
I loved this apartment. I was on the bottom floor. First time being on that floor. Previously I had lived on the top floor.
Oh yeah I had that super annoying neighbor below me that beat on the ceiling with a broomstick if my noise level was deemed inappropriate by her standards. That crazy bitch never answered her door if I went down there to ask her why she was beating on the ceiling. And I could hear her ass walking to the door and pressing against it to see who it was…It was the same whacko that asked me to move my car once because I had parked in her favorite spot and she couldn’t parallel park in any of the other nearby spaces. Because she didn’t know how. WTF. Nah not my problem.
So I expect a little noise to be heard, being on the bottom floor. Whatever. I went through two “tops” in my year-ish long stay there. The second was a rather large fellow. I could hear him moving throughout the unit above me. Not a big deal. I understand. Their kitchen was above my second bedroom, where my 3 year stayed. The amount of noise coming from that one area was mind blowing. It woke my 3 year old up constantly. At one point he started throwing toys at the ceiling in anger and yelling at them.
Impressive. Their shit will not stand. Not even to a 3 year old.
Anyway…
That’s not really even what irritated me.
I worked from home. I sat on my patio almost every day, until it warmed up outside. Cup of coffee, a pipe and writing code. My favorite part of the day. Soooo BIG BOY moves in.
I call him that….Because Bob’s Big Boy Burger, and he worked at Five Guys Burgers, and they aren’t cool like Bob’s Big Boy burger…because they don’t have a fucking statue. Bob’s Big Boy burger has a cool fucking iconic statue. Five guys has stupid fries from local farms, big fucking damn deal, fuck Five Guys Burgers.
So dude moves in. Come to find out, this one older dude type dude, is an important Five Guys dude. A regional manager or something.
Apparently a bunch of dudes move in subsequently. All these dudes work at this Five Guys across the street.
Fuck Five Guys.
They all walk there every day. I see them. As I’m sitting on my patio, they alternate shifts like clockwork. Cool they live close enough to walk.
So I guess service/retail/food service things are stressful. I’ve worked them. When I get done I want to go relax. These dudes too. So they come home, and go to their patios.
And roll doobies. Well try to anyway.
They really mostly just dump their weed on the porch and it falls through the cracks, and down on to my patio.
I don’t want weed. I’m all set on that. I don’t use drugs. Fuck all that. I do coffee and alcohol. Those drugs.
After they finally get a good one or few rolled they smoke them openly. But still freak out when people come by.
How is shushing people going to make passerbyers not notice the smell of your shit weed?
I thought I was being shushed a lot, by the gods, not sure which ones. Took me a few times to realize it was them. I thought they were shushing me, but they were shushing themselves. See if you’re high, and quiet, everyone is a Tyrannosaurus Rex and can’t see you. It’s true because Jurassic Park.
This is typical pothead paranoia. So. Whatever, fuck it.
After a few moments they’d get loud again.
This happened a few times before I started to really questions these dudes doobie assembly techniques. So I walk upstairs and inquire…Hey could you guys not dump your drugs on my patio.
“We don’t do drugs, must have come from the third floor.”
Ok, well I hear you and see you smoking weed from my patio. So. You have a good one.
This happens a few times. I start actually collecting the weed they drop. Within a week I have about half a cup. I examine this half cup of weed and seriously think about what to do with it.
Ahh you know what, I’m going to be a good neighbor. I’ll return it.
Knock knock.
:: guitar hero turns off ::
Hey here’s your weed back. You dumped it on my porch a bunch again. This is probably costing you money you know.
“That’s not ours, we don’t smoke weed or do any drugs.”
:: 5 ft tall blue glass bong in the background ::
Dude that’s a bong right there.
“No that’s for pipe tobacco.”
Anyways…
I dump the weed on his floor and walk off.
Days later same shit, but an actual bag of weed on my patio. I examine this bag of weed and seriously think about what to do with it. Hmm…this would be…Nah… I call the cops. File a complaint. They talk to the dudes. Nothing happens, still all puff the damn magic dragon up there and shit.
I got flipped off a lot more after that.
Generally I wouldn’t be that dick guy who complains about weed. But with a kid over frequently… Plus I just don’t want the drugs on my property or linked to me when they aren’t mine.
Well…Anyways…
I ordered a Balzac some months later on Amazon prime, first order on Prime, free shipping, hell yes. The UPS guy always just left shit laying around. Because no one steals shit at apartment complexes.
If you don’t know what a Balzac balloon is, then…well…you’ve never had any amount of fun.
I know those fucking Five Guys dudes took my fucking Balzac balloon ball.
So I don’t eat Five Guys burgers anymore, and fuck Five Guys.
Fuckers.
Took my Balzac.
Well...Anyways 