Category Archives: Letters to my HOA

Big [creepy fucking] brother HOA assery.

Earlier this year my HOA came to the conclusion that wildlife cameras, and other motion activated audio/video recording equipment should be installed throughout the neighborhood. In a newsletter they specifically said they were using this equipment to monitor and record traffic, so as to issue violations. I didn’t really like the sound of that. Mainly because the HOA is ran by a bunch of really bored old people and an ex prison security guard who swears Sarah Palin should be president of the world which is the lightest of topics he’s touched on that I care to discuss…an ex prison guard who claims he’s disabled and collects disability and says he’s set for life, but works 2 jobs. One at Pet Smart…..OK…understandable. And one as a part time HOA maintenance assistant. Wait…how’s that disability going? Ah who cares. He’s diversified. I also didn’t really like the sound of the cameras because 2 years ago, I found one of these cameras behind my home. Attached to a tree. Facing my windows.

So I took the fucking thing. Called the HOA. They denied it was theirs. So I called the police. When the police inquired with the HOA, they stated it was theirs. Hilarious. They claimed it was to capture pet owners not picking up pet waste. Hmm OK, that’s kind of understandable. But that should definitely be defined and explained in a newsletter to the community…Wait so why was it faced at the back of my home? My back yard has a 6.5 foot tall privacy fence, enclosing the back yard area. The camera was pointed upwards. Upwards as in at the back windows of the home. My child’s room.

No fucking way am I letting that shit happen. Weird fuckers. That was 2 years ago.

So upon seeing their recent newsletter warning residents to abide by the rules and that as long as they followed said rules and the law, then they wouldn’t have any problems and shouldn’t worry about the cameras….I was fairly concerned. Mostly because there’s no damn accountability or oversight within this HOA. Until questioned by the police. Who I found out by calling our area’s PD contact, can’t stand the HOA president because she calls constantly about claims the police can’t investigate. Because actual laws aren’t being broken and cops don’t enforce HOA rules.

Well…Anyways…

I sent them a letter. Sure it’s fucking with them. Again. I have all the free time in the world. Plus this is mental. I shouldn’t be on camera everywhere I go.

My letter…I’m an ass, sure..

Hello,

I received the newsletter in which the new parking guidelines are detailed, as well as some other helpful information concerning community rules.
I have a few questions however. Mostly about the accountability and qualifications of the board to perform some of the duties within the newsletter.
1. Recording equipment within the neighborhood.
Where are the cameras placed? If I need to personally walk the neighborhood to find them I can and will. I have privacy concerns, and do not wish my person to be video taped or my personal business. I would like to make adjustments to my lifestyle if I am to be videotaped within my neighborhood.
Is the camera data stored? Another words are still images or video and audio recordings being stored for evidence for HOA or law enforcement investigations?
If the data is stored, I would like a copy of the security and retention policies for this data, as well as where it is stored and who has access to said data.
2. Parking citations
Who is issuing these citations and what exactly are their qualifications to issue said citations?
What is the policy in which these citations can be issued?
Are vehicles that leave during the day and return at night, but do not live onsite or have separate addresses not considered visitors?
How are HOA members determining residency vs visitor?
Are board members tracking all vehicles and their duration within the neighborhood and is there a log of this information?
If a log exists, I would like a copy of the security and retention policies for this data, as well as where it is stored and who has access to said data.
If you all have time, I would love to sit down and discuss these topics with you. Or you can choose to respond via email. I don’t expect an immediate response, but I would like one as I am a paying customer. I have quite a bit of concern for my privacy and not having my property tracked by yet another agency with zero fail safes to protect my personal information.
I am simply asking for accountability here. As you all have in the multiple versions of increasing rules, and regulations.
This is not a complaint.
Regards,
ME
Their response
*** Which has limited responses. Me thinks because they just don’t have any policies for any data security or retention, and mostly because they can’t seem to respond to multiple questions…or any question. And more importantly most of their response isn’t even true. The visitor spots the HOA president likes to have available for her in home daycare are occupied frequently. And she doesn’t seem to like that. She also didn’t like that random visit by the city to explain her husbands maintenance company storing equipment on the same property as a daycare was a zoning code violation. Hmm…***
Dear Mr. ME–
There are about 6 cameras that are placed in common areas throughout the neighborhood and rotated regularly depending upon need. Our security patrol and CMPD are both aware of these cameras and approve of their use for community protection. You and all law-abiding and HOA rule following residents should not have to worry as these cameras protect the innocent and attempt to identify the guilty.

The Board of Directors has access to this data that is stored for use as needed. Further information is not dispensed for your use but would certainly be available if you choose to serve on the Board and are elected at the next Annual Meeting.

Charlotte Metro Police, the management company and the Board of Directors are authorized to issue a citation or violation letter for failure to abide by the parking guidelines.

Obviously if someone is not staying/living/sleeping at the home regularly, he is a visitor. However, when the “visit” is prolonged then the resident rules apply.

The Board has noticed that there is seldom any visitor spaces available during peak periods such as weekends, and even some nights. In further research it has been found that many vehicles consistently parked in visitor spots are actually owned by residents. Hence the need to fairly administer a system where only visitors OR defined variances park in the visitor spots.

The Board and Metro Police are tracking all vehicles that are not abiding by the guidelines and/or parked too long in visitors parking. Any such logs would be Board of Director information only.

If and when you are selected to serve on the neighborhoods board, you will have full access to all security information.

In addition to this email format, you are welcome to ask for 10 minutes to speak at a Board meeting. Please see the protocol for that in the rules and regulations.
Sincerely,

Senior level dildo man

I decided to respond back…because Captain Kirk

Senior level dildo man,

I don’t mean to be a pest about this…But this camera stuff is nonsense. First they were for common areas to monitor pet waste pick up, so I don’t use those areas now. Now they’re being using for traffic violations? I can’t avoid entering and leaving the neighborhood. I don’t want to be on camera everywhere I go. Call me crazy.

But let me get this straight.

Information, my personal information, information about my movements and guests is stored. And when I inquire as to how it is secured or if it is secured at all, I’m told that information is not dispensed to me?

This screams of ignorance or lack of a data retention policy as well as any security surrounding said data. I really just want to know that personal sensitive data is not stored on local computers and is secured on a server or database of sorts.

Images of myself, my vehicles and information is being compiled before a crime or violation is committed, to track me or my guests habits in order for citations to be issued.

Seems like guilty until proven innocent to me. At least the architectural review committee walks around to do their assessments.

If you all are storing this garbage locally, and someone obtains any of it and uses it for whatever….it’s going to create a really hilarious lawsuit.

Regards,

ME

So…no response after that. Probably because it’s a never ending exchange. Or maybe because they can’t actually justify their actions. I don’t care for these folks.

My HOA loves blue balls. And, unfortunately, is missing their blue balls. Let’s pray.

Well, my community placed a large solar powered blue ball in front of the community board, it was awful looking and didn’t really fit in well, aesthetically speaking. Someone stole the stupid damn ball. Catastrophe. Pandemonium. I hate a thief, but someone did us some decorative justice here.

So they posted a message…So I wrote them an email. It’s halfway ridiculous. But I have a lot of free time right now. So I’ve been harassing them a bit much here lately. I’ll admit, some of the shit I respond with doesn’t even really make sense. Oh well.

2015-01-30 (1)

To whom it may concern,

Upon arriving home this afternoon, I noticed a message posted on our neighborhoods entrance bulletin board.
I have attached a copy of this message, in an image.
It reads “Praying for the person that took our gazing ball”.
I personally find this to be a nuisance, mildly offensive and the wrong forum to publicly advertise prayer or religious beliefs. As a member of this community I do not want a voice associated to religion or prayer to be associated to me, especially when I do not have the voice or the means to post messages, or approve messages to be posted. I do not want to be viewed by other members or visitors of the community to share beliefs in prayer or religion, therefore I respectfully request this message be taken down. If I were to post such messages about my beliefs or practices in public view and how actions should be taken for others, I would be in violation of the HOA rules.
If you all do not share the same view for respecting all community members beliefs or practices, I would recommend organizing a forum in which we can discuss this in person so it can be better explained.
Regards,
Me

Their Response

Dear Mr. ME–

Thanks for sharing your view on the post on the bulletin board.  You make a valid point if the HOA was advocating a certain denomination, a way to believe or a formal call to a prayer meeting.  In this case, however, this was merely a  sardonic reference to the real issue of a missing ball and the thief involved rather than an advocacy for a religious belief.

Nevertheless, the words will soon be taken down and other messages will be put up.

Sincerely,

Senior level dildo man

My Response, to their Response

*** Side note, I’m not actually very religious at all. But I really do love fucking with these people.***

Senior level dildo man,

Maybe you misunderstood my point. And those of you who’ve read this or those of the board misunderstood prayer in general.
This is a community forum board, one which anyone who enters the neighborhood can see. Messages should be void of religion or any of its practices. Because I do not want religion or prayer associated to my address.
I have a problem with this and am requesting it be taken down because it is offensive, post haste.
It is offensive to me because I believe prayer is quite presumptuous and something to not mock or take lightly, and that the act itself is a basic form of an individual believing they understand the grand scheme of things sufficiently to pray for what is best, only when taken seriously.
Your reference as this being a sarcastic (you used sardonic, as in Ambrose’ favored word and belief that “Nothing Matters”, because big words, like masters degree…whoops two words)  message. Is exactly why I was offended, I don’t find mocking prayer to be humorous. It would more than likely not go far or very well with the religious community. You sir claiming a public call to prayer a sarcastic joke is offensive and degrading of those who do believe. It only further diminishes the purpose of prayer.
Christopher Hitchens interprets Ambrose Bierce’s definition of prayer by stating that “the man who prays is the one who thinks that god has arranged matters all wrong, but who also thinks that he can instruct god how to put them right.”
Simply said,in my own words, yet again, when prayer is mocked or used in a cynical sardonic manner, it is offensive and implies pompous.
Prayer, and the name of god(s) taken in vain or used lightheartedly…I’m sure the religious community here would be very disappointed in your lack of seriousness or mocking of prayer. So I really hope that’s not where you were headed…
Thank you for taking time to respond to my email, and this matter with a subtle hint of seriousness. But I find your response lazy, and unhelpful, and disrespectful. Not only to myself, but to others in the community who may take their religion seriously.
Regards,
Me
They didn’t respond to that last message. I wouldn’t have either. I know I’m wasting their time. Oh well. I’m having fun being a dick?

Security officer viewing sexual content while on “Patrol”.

So here’s the first posted letter to my HOA, they’ve had just over a week to respond. So far, no response. Oh well? Neighborhood sure feels so much safer with a gun toting rent-a-cop watching porn nearby.

Hello comrades,

Another joke. Because police state and all. The state being this neighborhood. You know, with the cameras and armed private security.

Look I know those private security folks are just doing their jobs. You guys have paid them to lurk throughout the neighborhood for whatever reasons you have or don’t have. I think you mentioned folks threatening you all, which is awful and just crazy. You all seem like very nice people. NAME REDACTED mentioned sex offenders and the safety of the children here during an HOA meeting, but I can’t find any registered sex offenders in our neighborhood or within a mile radius of my address….because you know they have to register and there’s this sex offender registry thing and all. So unless we have some deep cover scum around here…

Anyway, like I said, I can appreciate the work these private security companies do. Especially the sergeant who sits in his patrol car in front of my home a few nights a week. For around 30 minutes. Idling in his patrol car. This doesn’t bother me, because I feel like I have my own private security guard. I kind of do since our dues pay him. I’m sure he’s busy writing reports or checking things out, or trying to find the gazing ball that was stolen. What does bother me about him, is when he is idling in the patrol car using devices to view material online consisting of a female in black laced lingerie with long dark brown hair, exposing her buttocks, while in public view on the night of February 1st, in uniform, on patrol. Now I have no opinion or assumptions on what he was viewing or who it was or why he was viewing said material, but it seems that material would be outside your typical standard operating procedures of security patrol type responsibilities.

Other than that the sergeant has always been helpful and professional.

I do have questions however.

I arrived home Sunday, Super Bowl Sunday. A large quad cab white ford pickup truck was occupying one of my parking spots. I needed that spot for an additional vehicle. We asked the Metro security sergeant for direction, he advised that he personally would not be towing anyone on that night and to park beside the truck in a visitor spot. He referred to this as doing us a favor. I’m not sure how this was a favor, as we had no choice in parking in my assigned spot, because it was occupied illegally by another vehicle.

Question 1. When one of my assigned parking spaces is occupied by a vehicle that is not mine or my guests, who can I contact to remedy that or gain direction on what to do when security is not around?

I contacted security about this incident, and their call center advised me that they do not tow and cannot tow or authorize the towing of vehicles. Is this correct?

Question 2. Who will be responsible for looking to the issue of the sergeant viewing inappropriate material while on duty, or should I report this directly to the secuirty or the officer or someone else?

My partner doesn’t feel comfortable or safe around a security guard who views sexually explicit material while on duty. Especially at night. Especially when the board publicly stressed to me during our last in person meeting, that the neighborhood is in desperate need of security from sex offenders. This issue has compounded her fear of predators or sexual deviants and more importantly given us both further reason to question the HOA and renewed our lack of respect for whomever is vetting these private security needs.

I don’t have a problem with the officer per se, he seems like a nice man and someone I’d hate to be on the wrong side of. I have a problem with a uniformed law enforcement officer on duty, hired to patrol our community for sexual deviants and whatever else, viewing sexually explicit content, in front of my home on his phone. It seems like a waste of HOA dues and conduct unbecoming.

If you all have questions or wish to interview myself or my partner who both witnessed this occurring as we leaned our heads in to the patrol car, please arrange a time so that we can make ourselves available.

Thanks for everything you all do to make this a safer neighborhood?

Regards,

Me