Monthly Archives: February 2015

Big [creepy fucking] brother HOA assery.

Earlier this year my HOA came to the conclusion that wildlife cameras, and other motion activated audio/video recording equipment should be installed throughout the neighborhood. In a newsletter they specifically said they were using this equipment to monitor and record traffic, so as to issue violations. I didn’t really like the sound of that. Mainly because the HOA is ran by a bunch of really bored old people and an ex prison security guard who swears Sarah Palin should be president of the world which is the lightest of topics he’s touched on that I care to discuss…an ex prison guard who claims he’s disabled and collects disability and says he’s set for life, but works 2 jobs. One at Pet Smart…..OK…understandable. And one as a part time HOA maintenance assistant. Wait…how’s that disability going? Ah who cares. He’s diversified. I also didn’t really like the sound of the cameras because 2 years ago, I found one of these cameras behind my home. Attached to a tree. Facing my windows.

So I took the fucking thing. Called the HOA. They denied it was theirs. So I called the police. When the police inquired with the HOA, they stated it was theirs. Hilarious. They claimed it was to capture pet owners not picking up pet waste. Hmm OK, that’s kind of understandable. But that should definitely be defined and explained in a newsletter to the community…Wait so why was it faced at the back of my home? My back yard has a 6.5 foot tall privacy fence, enclosing the back yard area. The camera was pointed upwards. Upwards as in at the back windows of the home. My child’s room.

No fucking way am I letting that shit happen. Weird fuckers. That was 2 years ago.

So upon seeing their recent newsletter warning residents to abide by the rules and that as long as they followed said rules and the law, then they wouldn’t have any problems and shouldn’t worry about the cameras….I was fairly concerned. Mostly because there’s no damn accountability or oversight within this HOA. Until questioned by the police. Who I found out by calling our area’s PD contact, can’t stand the HOA president because she calls constantly about claims the police can’t investigate. Because actual laws aren’t being broken and cops don’t enforce HOA rules.

Well…Anyways…

I sent them a letter. Sure it’s fucking with them. Again. I have all the free time in the world. Plus this is mental. I shouldn’t be on camera everywhere I go.

My letter…I’m an ass, sure..

Hello,

I received the newsletter in which the new parking guidelines are detailed, as well as some other helpful information concerning community rules.
I have a few questions however. Mostly about the accountability and qualifications of the board to perform some of the duties within the newsletter.
1. Recording equipment within the neighborhood.
Where are the cameras placed? If I need to personally walk the neighborhood to find them I can and will. I have privacy concerns, and do not wish my person to be video taped or my personal business. I would like to make adjustments to my lifestyle if I am to be videotaped within my neighborhood.
Is the camera data stored? Another words are still images or video and audio recordings being stored for evidence for HOA or law enforcement investigations?
If the data is stored, I would like a copy of the security and retention policies for this data, as well as where it is stored and who has access to said data.
2. Parking citations
Who is issuing these citations and what exactly are their qualifications to issue said citations?
What is the policy in which these citations can be issued?
Are vehicles that leave during the day and return at night, but do not live onsite or have separate addresses not considered visitors?
How are HOA members determining residency vs visitor?
Are board members tracking all vehicles and their duration within the neighborhood and is there a log of this information?
If a log exists, I would like a copy of the security and retention policies for this data, as well as where it is stored and who has access to said data.
If you all have time, I would love to sit down and discuss these topics with you. Or you can choose to respond via email. I don’t expect an immediate response, but I would like one as I am a paying customer. I have quite a bit of concern for my privacy and not having my property tracked by yet another agency with zero fail safes to protect my personal information.
I am simply asking for accountability here. As you all have in the multiple versions of increasing rules, and regulations.
This is not a complaint.
Regards,
ME
Their response
*** Which has limited responses. Me thinks because they just don’t have any policies for any data security or retention, and mostly because they can’t seem to respond to multiple questions…or any question. And more importantly most of their response isn’t even true. The visitor spots the HOA president likes to have available for her in home daycare are occupied frequently. And she doesn’t seem to like that. She also didn’t like that random visit by the city to explain her husbands maintenance company storing equipment on the same property as a daycare was a zoning code violation. Hmm…***
Dear Mr. ME–
There are about 6 cameras that are placed in common areas throughout the neighborhood and rotated regularly depending upon need. Our security patrol and CMPD are both aware of these cameras and approve of their use for community protection. You and all law-abiding and HOA rule following residents should not have to worry as these cameras protect the innocent and attempt to identify the guilty.

The Board of Directors has access to this data that is stored for use as needed. Further information is not dispensed for your use but would certainly be available if you choose to serve on the Board and are elected at the next Annual Meeting.

Charlotte Metro Police, the management company and the Board of Directors are authorized to issue a citation or violation letter for failure to abide by the parking guidelines.

Obviously if someone is not staying/living/sleeping at the home regularly, he is a visitor. However, when the “visit” is prolonged then the resident rules apply.

The Board has noticed that there is seldom any visitor spaces available during peak periods such as weekends, and even some nights. In further research it has been found that many vehicles consistently parked in visitor spots are actually owned by residents. Hence the need to fairly administer a system where only visitors OR defined variances park in the visitor spots.

The Board and Metro Police are tracking all vehicles that are not abiding by the guidelines and/or parked too long in visitors parking. Any such logs would be Board of Director information only.

If and when you are selected to serve on the neighborhoods board, you will have full access to all security information.

In addition to this email format, you are welcome to ask for 10 minutes to speak at a Board meeting. Please see the protocol for that in the rules and regulations.
Sincerely,

Senior level dildo man

I decided to respond back…because Captain Kirk

Senior level dildo man,

I don’t mean to be a pest about this…But this camera stuff is nonsense. First they were for common areas to monitor pet waste pick up, so I don’t use those areas now. Now they’re being using for traffic violations? I can’t avoid entering and leaving the neighborhood. I don’t want to be on camera everywhere I go. Call me crazy.

But let me get this straight.

Information, my personal information, information about my movements and guests is stored. And when I inquire as to how it is secured or if it is secured at all, I’m told that information is not dispensed to me?

This screams of ignorance or lack of a data retention policy as well as any security surrounding said data. I really just want to know that personal sensitive data is not stored on local computers and is secured on a server or database of sorts.

Images of myself, my vehicles and information is being compiled before a crime or violation is committed, to track me or my guests habits in order for citations to be issued.

Seems like guilty until proven innocent to me. At least the architectural review committee walks around to do their assessments.

If you all are storing this garbage locally, and someone obtains any of it and uses it for whatever….it’s going to create a really hilarious lawsuit.

Regards,

ME

So…no response after that. Probably because it’s a never ending exchange. Or maybe because they can’t actually justify their actions. I don’t care for these folks.

My wife punched me in the face on our wedding day…

So one time I got married. No big deal. It lasted some time, and then after a time…I wasn’t married. No big deal.

The process of getting married isn’t terrible in and of itself. It’s all the bullshit people throw in between there that really starts to fucking suck.

Things about getting married outside the paperwork that are murderous:

  • Planning
  • Invitations
  • Attire; Suits, Dresses
  • Finding some officiant because the church you go to doesn’t really do that…ugh.

All that shit starts to pile up and accrue horrendous amounts stress. I guess. I think it didn’t bother me much because I didn’t give much of a shit. I never really understood the production of a promise that’s supposedly between two people and sometimes their higher beliefs. Maybe I just was over the whole wedding thing…Hell between my mother and father alone I’d been to somewhere around 7 weddings. Of their weddings. Blah blah blah. So yeah, all that added pressure and all those additional commitments outside of the “us” turned in to crazy yelling before the venue, an hour before the precious (rings). Oh wait, not crazy yelling on my part.I wasn’t the one doing the yelling over the things that were outside my control. I probably had something to do with something of it, but ambiguity and years erase blame somehow I suppose. The bride to be did the yelling. Over the only thing I can specifically remember about her anger, something of which I had no logical control over. The rest of the crazy came from stress I would assume. Stress and our obvious long running arguing which over the course of 5-6 years we had become well known for.

Late bridesmaid(s), late groomsman. Sure I can force people to be on time. That seems reasonable. Two people in specific were running behind that day, just so happens they were “my friends” and they were ruining the entire production, I mean wedding.

Yes, meandering of the bible and the eating of food and drinking of alcohol will be delayed 45 minutes. Fuck all.

I was very nonchalant about the stress. That bothered the bride. Patience to her is the absence of concern. Confusing, as most that knew me would probably say I’m the quiet calm one sitting around not saying much. Looking pissed. Nah, that’s my happy face. No face is my happy face. All non-faces, are my face, all the time. So I’m probably sitting on the couch waiting for her so we can make haste to the marriage facility. Then blam….full blow’d I don’t know karate but I know crazy cocaine’d out James Brown crazy yelling. I really don’t remember the specifics. I ruined the day. Shit. We’re standing in the doorway to leave, and I’m cussing about how fucked up this all is and how nothing that she’s pissed off about is something I can control, or my fault. The crazy turns to 11, and randomly she decides this would be a good time to hit me in the face.

Close fisted, just below my eye. Which is soooo biblical, had I hit her instead.

But alas….Umm…

I stand there completely confused. Say some slur of curse words. And walk away. No big deal. Plenty of women have hit me in the face. On the mat.

OK. Cool, let us go get married now….right? Sure.

Anyways…

We get there, the marriage facility. I change into my puritan ready for sex suit, a classy tuxedo, with red accoutrements. I exit the changing room/warehouse bathroom. Immediately my mother greets me and says I look perfect. She picks at things correcting subtle nuances and then says the most mom-ly thing she could, or the most mom-ly thing she could muster at the time.

“I can get you out of here right now. You just say the word. We can go right now and no one has to know. Don’t worry about anyone here but yourself.”

What…? No.

Good talk Mom.

So we say some biblical nonsense about what to do for each other, with an officiant present. An officiant who was actually a family member. One whom has given up his “badge and gun for the Jesus” several times and done some insane shit…fuck it no one is perfect. The words were fancy and we both said yes to the Jesus.

Hooray, time for sex….nope…time for food, music and some sort of dancing.

Sex later!     …….?

Who cares. We had sex before anyway. But not 3 or so months leading up to being married. Sensible? Nah. Fuck it.

The marriage facility was separated in to two halves. A getting married area, the first half. Very standard white things and chairs. So pure. Something. The second half, and eat-y, get down-y area. Music, food, assigned seating tables, open bar, Elvis, and finally a train car outside to do….I dunno. I never even went in the fucking train car. It didn’t make sense to me. Apparently it was an amenity. And yes Elvis was there. An impersonator. And I left the building before him. Get it? Probably not. I feel old.

Anyways…

Time for sex! ….Not yet tho…Time for dinner.

I didn’t eat the food. Damn. It was some mixture of Italian type things and salad. I had tasted a bit of it, but was quickly whisked away for married things. Photos, saying things aloud, talking to people as a married couple…

Like my friend from PA and his date. This was the first time I met him. He and I met playing video games online. His date was pissed about how we knew each other. She was being a bitch the entire time anyway. And the bride was displeased with her attire. I think the exact word she used to describe her was……slut?

Or me by myself talking to a great friend from high school that came against her will, and probably mostly, just to show that she cared. About me. Me only. I think she brought some of her friends too. The bride didn’t like them being there. I think the word she used to describe her or her friends was…..uninvited? Then there was some blah blah blah about if they had brought gifts. I didn’t care. I think the girls enjoyed the free bar.

That free bar. I wasn’t big on drinking back then. I really don’t remember drinking many beers other than Corona or something cheap. I certainly didn’t know how to drink liquor. To me a margarita was cool as shit. I guess the worst part of it all is that I had no idea how to pace myself with either beer or liquor. I got hammered on tequila….well margaritas.

I remember cutting the cake. Kind of. And then some toasts being made. Elvis sang some songs. He was good, and the crowd really liked him. I think my grandmother fell pretty hard for the dude once he was good and sweaty.

Time for sex! …No no, not yet.

I did some dancing. I wonder what kind of dancing I did.

Anyways…

After a bunch of really loud noises and pictures of everything it’s now time to run for our lives. Through a crowd of people acting very excited. I guess they knew we were going to have sex.

Not yet tho! We had to stop for gas on the way home, in the ghetto. Because location of marriage facility….Yes, please man, ask me for bus fare whilst drinking a 40 outside the gas station. I probably almost killed the guy I was in such a rush to receive the coveted marriage lay. The thing I was forced in to illogically agreeing to. Yes lets stop having sex for 3 months, because that will make things right and holy and pure. Oh and we’ll ignore the years of our really healthy sex life, and crazy shit we did before those 3 months…..annnnnnd not attend church or do any church things. Oh wait we did go to church. For a month or so. Until the pastor of the church tried to sell me and everyone else drugs. Then I kind of wasn’t in to the church anymore. Especially because the drugs were Viagra and he was “just trying to help”. Sure that makes sense. Whatever. Weird fucker.

We’re home! I carry her through the door. Tear off my marriage costume. We lay down have a drink, start relaxing…

No sex that night.

She wasn’t feeling well… OK…Hmm…maybe some other time?

It’s cool, I was advised to play PlayStation 2. I remember playing Battlefield for a few hours. I fell asleep on the couch that night.

Next morning! New married life! Go to Vegas for the treasured honeymoon, pass go! Well, almost. I pack up the car.

Which was a newly gifted/passed down vehicle my grandparents gave to my mother which in turn she gave to me as a wedding present.

Yay the car is packed. Wait, the car is dead. Surprisingly you cannot jump-start a Cadillac Sedan Deville with a Hyundai Accent.

I had left the headlights on upon arriving home in my haste to please the pope ( no I’m not going to capitalize that dudes title ) with the consummation-eee things.

So we worked it out and got inside airplanes and flew across the country. To see….lights, cards and stay in a hotel. To have sex. Because we earned it. Because marriage and waiting or something. These were all the things I was told were some of the reasons.

Vegas was a bust. A big huge saggy methy smelly must of a bust. Walking around outside of the hotels seemed like a good idea. Sight seeing was actually cool, lots of odd shaped hotels and attractions. But none of them stood out more than the hander-outers of hooker baseball cards, the folks that handed them out could be heard from a distance as they’d flap and shuffle the thick cardboard cards. The cards were basically talent cards, with numbers, costs, pictures of their things and providable services. But these hooker baseball cards, I collected a sizable stack of these things. Not because I needed their services, but because I thought it was hilarious. Gotta catch em all. Or something.

Anyways…

I guess there were a few other neat things about Vegas. They had all these performances, shows or concerts all strangely priced at just over 101 dollars. You could see these shows all hours of the day, all while eating all you can of some “fresh” surf and turf only buffets. Fresh seafood in Vegas meant frozen. I was told this by a Chef after asking if the “fresh” lobster was fresh and where they get it. Ya know…Because desert and I don’t think those little dudes are crawling out of the Colorado. Well, apparently it’s OK to call it fresh, even frozen, as long as it’s not a day over 6 months old. Cool talk Luxor Chef dude.

After talking to that dude, I encountered another dude. I didn’t seek this dude out though. He came to me and advised me that “the angry ass girl I was with” needed to quit giving him mean and disgusted looks.

Now this 11-ty foot tall 2k pound Samoan Goliath looking fuck of a guy was clearly offended, by a mere look. Wow. Hulkamania would’ve run wild all over this dude. Because Hulkamania’s modus operandi is pretty much just alternating between amazingly hysteric white eyed bold, bold stares.

Now aware that he was now displeased with said looks, I was clearly now aware of absolutely no reason to take this situation seriously. I said something to the effect of look man I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about and clearly looking at someone can’t be so awful as to merit an ass whipping, but you need to go away.

This dude huffed and puffed…and for a minute I thought he was going kill me. But I think something shiny at the buffet line drew him away and we made our exit.

We saw some horses and dudes swords beat the fake dog shit out of each other. I got a souvenir cup. And we left.

Sex day 3? Nooo..no sex yet..more shows!

Show # 2. A review of performances currently on broadway. I didn’t know what the hell this meant, but Wife wanted it. 90 cent margaritas were offered.

Side note, 90 cent margaritas. 115 degree heat. Horrible horrible decision.

OK! Showtime! Everything about the show started off just fine. Then out of nowhere….. naked broadway musical complete with a bible story! She was maaaddd. I was thoroughly confused. I had never seen that many naked people in one area, and I must admit after not having any sex for as long as I did…I was a bit glad to see some naked folks.

We left the show about 10 minutes after the explosion of boobs, butts and swingy swingy banana catchers.

I attempted to resolve the kink, not that kink though. The upset wed wife kink. So I got us a nice quiet dinner at an Italian place near fake Paris. Then back to the hotel!

Soooo sex?

Nope. Sleep. I couldn’t sleep though. I had just seen a large gaggle of breasts and eaten 8 pounds of lasagna. I went downstairs. Circus circus is nasty by the way. It’s old and everything smells horrible and it feels like an old mall that has been taken over by only oddball ethnic stores. But, there’s a sizable casino inside it’s walls. I Won 80 dollars playing slots, so I used it the same way any other grown ass dude would use it. On time crisis 3 in the arcade. Yep, I cock blocked at least 4 kids from playing that game. After hours I had finally beat the damn arcade version. I know I spent at least 80 bucks on that game. Spolier alert, Wild Dog doesn’t actually kill himself.

The next day was one of the more exciting days for me. In downtown or old Vegas there is, or was at least a massive beef jerky store. It had every animal on the ark, beef-jerky-ma-fied. Every damn animal. I bought so much of that stuff. Only to find out, it all tasted the exact same as the last piece. It was also a somewhat eventful day as I had discovered what Bacardi 151 Rum was and saw the blue man group. Which is pretty much just dudes banging on pipes and drums that aren’t drums to classic rock. Then they throw shit at the crowd. Cool.

Well…Anyways…

You probably thought I was going to mention finally having sex. I wasn’t. Because I don’t remember having sex at all that week. Not because of the 151 time travelling, but mostly because there was none. That never bothered me. The logic behind randomly waiting did, and then then not doing of the things once we mumbled some words. It all seemed kind of hilarious and dumb and wast(eful)(ed). The tradition of pushing people to not have any sex at all and then to immediately and expectedly have sex once married seemed so very closet pervy to me the entire time. I guess what bothered me was wondering if I had did something wrong, or if all that “sin” caught up to her and guilted her in to not wanting me, or if I’d be out of practice, or if maybe I should have taken the pastors Viagra.

So, I think…shout out to church guilt, cheap food, cheap alcohol, Vegas….annnnd especially the Depo shot for making people fucking nuts and feel shitty all day every day so much so that fucking is impossible.

I’m out.

My HOA loves blue balls. And, unfortunately, is missing their blue balls. Let’s pray.

Well, my community placed a large solar powered blue ball in front of the community board, it was awful looking and didn’t really fit in well, aesthetically speaking. Someone stole the stupid damn ball. Catastrophe. Pandemonium. I hate a thief, but someone did us some decorative justice here.

So they posted a message…So I wrote them an email. It’s halfway ridiculous. But I have a lot of free time right now. So I’ve been harassing them a bit much here lately. I’ll admit, some of the shit I respond with doesn’t even really make sense. Oh well.

2015-01-30 (1)

To whom it may concern,

Upon arriving home this afternoon, I noticed a message posted on our neighborhoods entrance bulletin board.
I have attached a copy of this message, in an image.
It reads “Praying for the person that took our gazing ball”.
I personally find this to be a nuisance, mildly offensive and the wrong forum to publicly advertise prayer or religious beliefs. As a member of this community I do not want a voice associated to religion or prayer to be associated to me, especially when I do not have the voice or the means to post messages, or approve messages to be posted. I do not want to be viewed by other members or visitors of the community to share beliefs in prayer or religion, therefore I respectfully request this message be taken down. If I were to post such messages about my beliefs or practices in public view and how actions should be taken for others, I would be in violation of the HOA rules.
If you all do not share the same view for respecting all community members beliefs or practices, I would recommend organizing a forum in which we can discuss this in person so it can be better explained.
Regards,
Me

Their Response

Dear Mr. ME–

Thanks for sharing your view on the post on the bulletin board.  You make a valid point if the HOA was advocating a certain denomination, a way to believe or a formal call to a prayer meeting.  In this case, however, this was merely a  sardonic reference to the real issue of a missing ball and the thief involved rather than an advocacy for a religious belief.

Nevertheless, the words will soon be taken down and other messages will be put up.

Sincerely,

Senior level dildo man

My Response, to their Response

*** Side note, I’m not actually very religious at all. But I really do love fucking with these people.***

Senior level dildo man,

Maybe you misunderstood my point. And those of you who’ve read this or those of the board misunderstood prayer in general.
This is a community forum board, one which anyone who enters the neighborhood can see. Messages should be void of religion or any of its practices. Because I do not want religion or prayer associated to my address.
I have a problem with this and am requesting it be taken down because it is offensive, post haste.
It is offensive to me because I believe prayer is quite presumptuous and something to not mock or take lightly, and that the act itself is a basic form of an individual believing they understand the grand scheme of things sufficiently to pray for what is best, only when taken seriously.
Your reference as this being a sarcastic (you used sardonic, as in Ambrose’ favored word and belief that “Nothing Matters”, because big words, like masters degree…whoops two words)  message. Is exactly why I was offended, I don’t find mocking prayer to be humorous. It would more than likely not go far or very well with the religious community. You sir claiming a public call to prayer a sarcastic joke is offensive and degrading of those who do believe. It only further diminishes the purpose of prayer.
Christopher Hitchens interprets Ambrose Bierce’s definition of prayer by stating that “the man who prays is the one who thinks that god has arranged matters all wrong, but who also thinks that he can instruct god how to put them right.”
Simply said,in my own words, yet again, when prayer is mocked or used in a cynical sardonic manner, it is offensive and implies pompous.
Prayer, and the name of god(s) taken in vain or used lightheartedly…I’m sure the religious community here would be very disappointed in your lack of seriousness or mocking of prayer. So I really hope that’s not where you were headed…
Thank you for taking time to respond to my email, and this matter with a subtle hint of seriousness. But I find your response lazy, and unhelpful, and disrespectful. Not only to myself, but to others in the community who may take their religion seriously.
Regards,
Me
They didn’t respond to that last message. I wouldn’t have either. I know I’m wasting their time. Oh well. I’m having fun being a dick?

Security officer viewing sexual content while on “Patrol”.

So here’s the first posted letter to my HOA, they’ve had just over a week to respond. So far, no response. Oh well? Neighborhood sure feels so much safer with a gun toting rent-a-cop watching porn nearby.

Hello comrades,

Another joke. Because police state and all. The state being this neighborhood. You know, with the cameras and armed private security.

Look I know those private security folks are just doing their jobs. You guys have paid them to lurk throughout the neighborhood for whatever reasons you have or don’t have. I think you mentioned folks threatening you all, which is awful and just crazy. You all seem like very nice people. NAME REDACTED mentioned sex offenders and the safety of the children here during an HOA meeting, but I can’t find any registered sex offenders in our neighborhood or within a mile radius of my address….because you know they have to register and there’s this sex offender registry thing and all. So unless we have some deep cover scum around here…

Anyway, like I said, I can appreciate the work these private security companies do. Especially the sergeant who sits in his patrol car in front of my home a few nights a week. For around 30 minutes. Idling in his patrol car. This doesn’t bother me, because I feel like I have my own private security guard. I kind of do since our dues pay him. I’m sure he’s busy writing reports or checking things out, or trying to find the gazing ball that was stolen. What does bother me about him, is when he is idling in the patrol car using devices to view material online consisting of a female in black laced lingerie with long dark brown hair, exposing her buttocks, while in public view on the night of February 1st, in uniform, on patrol. Now I have no opinion or assumptions on what he was viewing or who it was or why he was viewing said material, but it seems that material would be outside your typical standard operating procedures of security patrol type responsibilities.

Other than that the sergeant has always been helpful and professional.

I do have questions however.

I arrived home Sunday, Super Bowl Sunday. A large quad cab white ford pickup truck was occupying one of my parking spots. I needed that spot for an additional vehicle. We asked the Metro security sergeant for direction, he advised that he personally would not be towing anyone on that night and to park beside the truck in a visitor spot. He referred to this as doing us a favor. I’m not sure how this was a favor, as we had no choice in parking in my assigned spot, because it was occupied illegally by another vehicle.

Question 1. When one of my assigned parking spaces is occupied by a vehicle that is not mine or my guests, who can I contact to remedy that or gain direction on what to do when security is not around?

I contacted security about this incident, and their call center advised me that they do not tow and cannot tow or authorize the towing of vehicles. Is this correct?

Question 2. Who will be responsible for looking to the issue of the sergeant viewing inappropriate material while on duty, or should I report this directly to the secuirty or the officer or someone else?

My partner doesn’t feel comfortable or safe around a security guard who views sexually explicit material while on duty. Especially at night. Especially when the board publicly stressed to me during our last in person meeting, that the neighborhood is in desperate need of security from sex offenders. This issue has compounded her fear of predators or sexual deviants and more importantly given us both further reason to question the HOA and renewed our lack of respect for whomever is vetting these private security needs.

I don’t have a problem with the officer per se, he seems like a nice man and someone I’d hate to be on the wrong side of. I have a problem with a uniformed law enforcement officer on duty, hired to patrol our community for sexual deviants and whatever else, viewing sexually explicit content, in front of my home on his phone. It seems like a waste of HOA dues and conduct unbecoming.

If you all have questions or wish to interview myself or my partner who both witnessed this occurring as we leaned our heads in to the patrol car, please arrange a time so that we can make ourselves available.

Thanks for everything you all do to make this a safer neighborhood?

Regards,

Me

Waking up to my ex’s vibrator.

Really her farting. But the vibrator was annoying too.

Nympho? Meh…

It’d be like 2 in the damn morning and I’d hear biiiizzzz.

She had this cheap looking white vibrator, and when she couldn’t sleep, she’d go crazy with the damn thing. When she would reach orgasm, she’d fart. Fine, whatever…But it was loud. The whole thing was.

The orgasm. I can only describe it as something that looked really painful. Like being tazed maybe? Then immediately immobilizing, followed by a deep sleep. Or a dump. Literally a race to the bathroom to drop one.

On a side tangent. She loved pooping. When I’d visit her at college, I’d have to use the “co-ed” facilities. But everyone on her hall was female. So I always thought it’d be a weird thing to use the bathroom with females. To my surprise none of them ever minded me being in there, showering, pooping, brushing my teeth, fucking. They all did the same things with their others. This wasn’t some adolescentally imagined porkys revenge, peeping through a hole in the wall or anything so there was never anything outside of mostly clothed interactions, or towel covered hello’s exchanged.

The bathroom sharing. It was all very….cordial, cohesive even. Minus my girlfriend at the time. She made it awful. I’d be pooping and she’d know it. And she’d grab a stall right beside me and talk me through her poop, or try to race me to see who could finish first. This was all very entertaining to her. But at that point in my life, and even a little bit now, pooping in public restrooms, even at home is a very mentally frustrating process. One I didn’t want much to share with others. Or still don’t want to share. Why don’t people close the door when they shit? At the very least. Oh hey turn the fan on too…

The fart. It was one of those farts you try to conceal in a couch cushion, and end up rumbling the whole damn couch kind of farts.

I’ve had some bad gas before. I can’t recall farting during sex. It never bothered me that she’d fart during sex.

But I know for sure I’ve woken some folks up with farts before. Not a one enjoyed that happening. Not that I can recall. Especially the silent ones, you can’t laugh off a silent fart that wakes you up with the old let’s seal your body off with the blankets and see if that helps technique…Sometimes you can mutually laugh off a rumbler. Sometimes.

Anyway…

So yeah, vibrators. This stuff was confusing to me. I’d seen and heard about vibrators. But only in the sense that they were extremely sexy. You know, because, porn is so vanilla and women using them in videos were wholesome…smiling or chewing bubble gum, and happy and everything was so fresh and so clean… clean? Those videos are wrong. Lies.

I guess I had been tricked in to thinking others pleasure was my own to have. Whoops.

Well…Anyways…

None of this is a bad thing. I just wish I would have had some warning.

Like a, hey I’m about to masturbate and fart on you. I was never told. So I had to jump in to the situation. It was unsolicited…

I might be a magnet for other folks unsolicited close proximity…to myself… masturbation. Especially when I was younger. I should write about all those other times.

This happened with friends.

This happened a few times. With us.

I’d wake up, confused…and all like yo…

It wasn’t like I could just move to another side of the bed either. I had futon bed. It was the shittiest of the futon beds too. I had fucked it apart. High school shenanigans. It did this weird thing where it would fold up on its own. In to this taco shape, unless two people slept on either absolute edge of the bed to keep it from folding up.

So through the process of her diddling…not derogatory…she had inadvertently rolled the bed in to the taco.

It’s definitely a thing. A commotion. A waking commotion.

Not for it.

Once she wanted me to watch…. I thought it was really interesting. A first for me.

I’m certain the farting killed anything enjoyable for me though.

Afterwards I didn’t think much of it and we went on about our business.

So much like pooping…I guess I’ll keep masturbation a personal thing for myself. Might be selfish, but it seems like a personal thing anyway… Maybe I’m wrong.

Narnia?