I can’t really remember if this was the same night I watched porn with her and her daughter. Maybe. When I eat pizza I forget things. Now, and then. Back then. I was 18 or 19. But I still forget things anyway.
It was HBO porn I think. So it doesn’t even really count. It was like 3 AM. Probably Emmanuel or something. So, that shit isn’t even really porn. We shared a cup of some herbal tea with a slice of orange in it.
Anyways.
Earlier that evening, before or after dinner…which I’m sure was pizza, because my friend and I worked at a pizza place…I used the bathroom, washed my hands, and went back out in to the den. Or living room. Or whatever the hell.
His mom asks as I walk through in to the kitchen, “did you use toilet paper”…
…Yes.
“Did you poop, you weren’t in there long, you flushed twice”
:: ?why is this lady so concerned with my bathroom happenings? ::
…Umm no I peed. Oh and then I forgot I needed to do a checkup wipe.
Confusion ensues.
“What’s a checkup wipe?”
So I explain. I’m not claiming to have coined the idea or phrase checkup wipe. But. This was way before urban dictionary, this was back when tons of people still used AOL instant messenger. Myspace was still safe for kids to use even…
Checkup wipes are pretty important…they come in handy. It’s log a log book for when you need to poop, or poop more. Because throughout the day things happen and sometimes you just don’t know. Or just a hot day cleanup type thing, or cleanliness regime…probably getting the picture. They’re versatile. And helpful, even refreshing. Hey put some water on that and give it a wipe.
This is probably the reason I’ve been through so much TP in my lifetime. Enough in fact to send a grandparent out to the store because I ran the household supply out. So much so that we had to resort to a gag gift roll of crossword toilet paper. Which apparently was a big deal. Which…I thought was a little ridiculous even at the age of like 10 or 11, that someone would get upset at having to use something that ridiculous. It was under the sink…People love their TP? I was once told to use 4 squares at a time, fold and then reuse again. Nope. No one does that. What if you get poop on your hand. Unacceptable. That’s how you blow up a laundry basket with racing stripes. Sometimes when you’re a kid, you don’t have time. I spin that thing like wheel of fortune and I need to buy all the vowels. Bowels. See what I…Nah.
Especially at work. That stuff is free.
Well…Anyways.
I asked…So you never do this? No one ever does this?
3 or 4 people in the room. No answer.
I guess no one else does this.
She seemed genuinely concerned or confused…
I loved talking to her, always very open minded. Pretty sure the next conversation I had with her was something about her daughter posting what was considered child pornography of some other chick for revenge or something, but it wasn’t her fault…or something…but ah forget it. Go home to Bel-Air.
Well...Anyways 